For those of you out there who are currently hunting for a house to rent or buy, I have compiled this handy glossary that explains what the real estate agent actually means when using certain terms:

"Cozy" = the whole house is smaller than your bathroom

"Cute" = you could maybe fit a bed into this house

"Charming" = you could maybe fit a bed and a table

"Quaint" = plumbing and wiring haven't been updated since 1934

"Quirky" = we can't get the smell out

"Low Maintenance Yard" = no trees or grass, just rocks

"Sunny" = no air conditioning

"Open and bright" = not a tree in sight

"Ample street parking" = this place doesn't have a garage

"Lots of artistic extras" = the previous tenant defaced the property with spray paint and a Sharpie

"Raised vegetable garden" = We thought elevating it might keep the rats out. We were wrong.

"2 bedroom/1 bath plus office" = The bathroom serves as the dual use office/shower.

"Unique property features" = the former tenant attempted to build large horseshoe pits in the backyard, but gave up halfway through. Mind your step.

"Close to shopping" = Walk to the corner liquor store. Bring a gun.

"Special Security Features" = bars on the windows

"Friendly, quiet location" = you have to go one block over to get shot

"Clean interior" = those crime scene guys can leave a big mess, but we got most of it out

"Walk to bus stop, shopping and school" = if you don't mind the seven mile stroll

"Drive by first then call for appointment" = you are probably going to drive away locking your doors, so I may as well not show up